Today, I woke up after another night nightmares and very little sleep. Again. To calm me down, I flipped on the TV (my surrogate friend that babysits me while everyone else is working...won't go into my hang-ups about productivity right now). On one of my favorite shows ("My Fair Wedding with David Tutera"), there was a beautiful bride-to-be needing help with her themed wedding that had gone awry. The difference was that on this particular episode the bride was a stroke survivor. That quickly got my attention. She was 29 at the time of the taping, but had had a stroke when she was 22 and a size 24. She thought that her weight and perhaps birth control pills had led to her ischemic stroke. She lost weight, and at the taping was a size 6 and wearing heels. She showed no readily apparent deficiencies, and for the first time ever, I had stroke envy. I had a stroke when I was young as well. I had the same type of stroke (clot burst as opposed to trauma or bleed, etc.). Perhaps those 5 years that I had on her when it happened were the reason. Perhaps there is no reason, and it was all fate or chance or divine intervention. Whatever the reason, I felt envious, but happy for her that she gets to live a normal life, within reason, after her stroke.
My cane leans against the wall, and my tennis shoes perpetually cover my feet, in a reminder that life is short and that hard work pays off. I am no longer 1/2 paralyzed and mute. I just sometimes wish that my work could put me back in heels, riding roller coasters, and able to speak without the aphasia-tinted speech patterns. I wish that I could fill out an intake form at a doctor's office without needing a break/my other hand to finish writing. I also wish that my memory and stamina would let me be able to work outside of the home. Watching Law and Order SVU (episode 9, season 8 "Choreographed"), I was reminded that things could have gone very differently for me, had I not had an amazing family. In that episode, a lawyer from a big firm in NYC had a major stroke. Afterward, he was fired and eventually made homeless. He spoke like I did right after my stroke. He used charades and drawings and got frustrated, just as I did right around the turn of the century.
I am so grateful for what I have, but when I see those that were luckier, I have to grieve a little for the me that will never be again. I am sure that others going through midlife crises go through a similar cleansing process to let go of yesteryear and the person that they were and embrace what and who they have become. It is just easier sometimes than at others, is all that I am saying.
Bravo to that young lady "Kristen"!! May she have her happily ever after with her new husband!! (I know that I am living my happily ever after every day, thanks to my family, friends, and my spiritual connection to what I consider the divine).
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