As I was preparing for the new season of Grey's Anatomy, I watched an episode from last season on Hulu.com that brought me to unexpected tears, and by tears, I mean ridiculous sobs. It was from Season 7 of Grey's that a musical number used as Callie's song was Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars." For those of you that don't watch Grey's, the plot was simple enough: Callie, a doctor at Seattle Grace hospital, was thrown through the window of the car that she was riding in when it collided with a semi. Callie narrated the episode and began saying that the brain acts in funny ways, especially when it is badly hurt. Callie was seriously injured, and the experiences that took place in the first few minutes of that Grey's Anatomy episode shook me to the core, and I flashed back to the feelings that flood me every time that I relive what happened with my stroke.
When I was admitted into the hospital where my CT scan showed the actual damage that my stroke had done (as opposed to the hospital that failed to diagnose me three days earlier), my "golden hour" was long gone. The doctors had expressed their concern over whether I would make it through the subsequent 48 hours. After they rolled me into my room, I don't really remember much that happened during the next few days/weeks. I have a snippet here and a snippet there, but no real lengthy memories. I just remember being so tired, and the one other thing that I remember was this:
My song was "Breathe," by Faith Hill.
I was never a huge country music fan. Before my stroke, I knew the country songs that played at the bars that I went to, and those that my friends' bands played, but my top 5 favorite songs (thank you, Mr. Cusack) were all alternative and new wave hits.
This is what made the song that was on constant loop in my head, the chorus of "Breathe," that much more bizarre. About 3 months later, I realized that the reason for it being the chorus was that I didn't know the words to the rest of the song. Yet, this was my salvation song. This song allowed me to sleep and not to feel alone; to remember to "Juuuuuuust breathe", even when having an MRI or two. I felt that it was a divine presence, but I am sure that my neurologist would just tell me that some neurotransmitter was just on hyperdrive or something.
It was the similarities between what happened to Callie and what had happened to me, on a superficial level, felt so close that it was like I was back on a gurney and unable to move half of my body or speak again. I felt her song like I felt mine: deep within my soul.
My family never let me feel alone, for which I can never thank them enough. My advice for any families that have someone who have had a stroke: have someone there as much as possible, and perhaps make a mixed tape for their room of their favorite songs, so that if their brain cannot come up with a song, one is there to soothe their internal pain.
My song reminded me to "Just Breathe."
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
It's the little things...
Sometimes, I forget the little differences that exist in my life. For those of you with family members (or you, yourself) that have experienced a stroke, there might be some minor "deficiencies" that might not be even noticed at first.
I would like to let others know a little known fact or 2 from my personal experience (not to say that these will apply to everyone):
1) if you work really hard at your rehabilitation, the best improvement will happen in the first 6 months (this, they usually tell you).
2) There comes a time (for me, it was at month 19) when scar tissue may set in within your brain in the area that is no longer swollen from the stroke's after-effects. I experienced a major set-back or two, but this is not necessarily permanent, nor is it guaranteed to happen. I lost the ability to drive because my right hip was too weak to allow for that kind of movement, as well as my vision being shifted about 30 degrees off-center, so my perception was off. All this added up to mean that driving was too exhausting for safe travels to anywhere, and the doctor asked for my license again. I permanently lost the ability to walk in heels. Like I said, everyone is different, and my weakness greatly affected my quad muscle and my right hip. BUT at least I can walk, although I use a cane for stability.
3) Like I said before, a clot or a stroke can take up to 72-hours to show up on a CT scan, so if you feel the signs, seek a second opinion. Even if that means consulting another ER. Mine was left for nearly 3 days, and I was lucky to have survived that.
4) Strokes do not hurt. They make you sleepier than you have ever been in your life. I was starving, but I fell asleep during the first spoonful of my oatmeal.
5) This brings me to my second point: if you suspect someone has had a stroke, DON'T feed them until the doctor says that it is OK. They could choke to death on their food (by aspirating on their food), and because in some cases, the muscles don't work on one side of the throat, the Heimlich maneuver may not work.
6) I personally have lost my peripheral vision from both eyes. This is normal. Some people lose their vision totally from one or both eyes. Sometimes it comes back, and sometimes it does not. Either way, be patient and be aware.
7) With a left-sided stroke, they might have to learn to talk again. This means that is English is not the primary language spoken in your house, it is best that you show up and help out the speech therapist. Also, they will need LOTS of practice in any language. I remember being in rehab. with a gentleman that came in not speaking much English, but since his family was never there, he ended up speaking nothing but English by the time that he was released, because no one on his team knew Spanish. I was still stuck in my head (my speech was slow in returning because of my aphasia and the area in which I had my stroke), or I could have tried to help out, but I was still calling all food "Oh Mee," which was as close as I could get to "oatmeal," which symbolized all food at first.
8) With a right-sided stroke, please be very understanding. It can delete memories and also scramble speech or speech recognition. This makes communication very hard and frustrating on all parts. Spouses have heartbreaking moments sometimes because their spouse honestly has no idea who they are (to be fair, in some cases, they do not recognize anyone, if the injury is in that part of the brain. In rare cases, their ability to differentiate faces from each other or from fruit might be gone).
9) There might be movements that are particularly difficult for a person that has had a stroke. For me, it is the pancake movement. Turning my wrist over with any sort of weight on it (like a spatula or cooking spoon) is very difficult for me. It has gotten easier, but I still have my days.
10) Just because someone has gotten help and was able to do stuff like walking up a short flight of stairs does not mean that this will be the case every day. Like anything else, every day is different, and some days, the person will have more pain or have more muscle-weakness than others. Be patient and understanding, please.
It took me 45 minutes to type a 3 sentence (probably 15 word) note to the law school office when I got home from the hospital after my stroke. Now, I can type a lot more, but I can not write more than about 2 sentences by hand even 4 years later.
Everyone is different, so please do not think that I am the only example (or even the best one).
When I remember some of the other little things, I will post again. Goodnight.
I would like to let others know a little known fact or 2 from my personal experience (not to say that these will apply to everyone):
1) if you work really hard at your rehabilitation, the best improvement will happen in the first 6 months (this, they usually tell you).
2) There comes a time (for me, it was at month 19) when scar tissue may set in within your brain in the area that is no longer swollen from the stroke's after-effects. I experienced a major set-back or two, but this is not necessarily permanent, nor is it guaranteed to happen. I lost the ability to drive because my right hip was too weak to allow for that kind of movement, as well as my vision being shifted about 30 degrees off-center, so my perception was off. All this added up to mean that driving was too exhausting for safe travels to anywhere, and the doctor asked for my license again. I permanently lost the ability to walk in heels. Like I said, everyone is different, and my weakness greatly affected my quad muscle and my right hip. BUT at least I can walk, although I use a cane for stability.
3) Like I said before, a clot or a stroke can take up to 72-hours to show up on a CT scan, so if you feel the signs, seek a second opinion. Even if that means consulting another ER. Mine was left for nearly 3 days, and I was lucky to have survived that.
4) Strokes do not hurt. They make you sleepier than you have ever been in your life. I was starving, but I fell asleep during the first spoonful of my oatmeal.
5) This brings me to my second point: if you suspect someone has had a stroke, DON'T feed them until the doctor says that it is OK. They could choke to death on their food (by aspirating on their food), and because in some cases, the muscles don't work on one side of the throat, the Heimlich maneuver may not work.
6) I personally have lost my peripheral vision from both eyes. This is normal. Some people lose their vision totally from one or both eyes. Sometimes it comes back, and sometimes it does not. Either way, be patient and be aware.
7) With a left-sided stroke, they might have to learn to talk again. This means that is English is not the primary language spoken in your house, it is best that you show up and help out the speech therapist. Also, they will need LOTS of practice in any language. I remember being in rehab. with a gentleman that came in not speaking much English, but since his family was never there, he ended up speaking nothing but English by the time that he was released, because no one on his team knew Spanish. I was still stuck in my head (my speech was slow in returning because of my aphasia and the area in which I had my stroke), or I could have tried to help out, but I was still calling all food "Oh Mee," which was as close as I could get to "oatmeal," which symbolized all food at first.
8) With a right-sided stroke, please be very understanding. It can delete memories and also scramble speech or speech recognition. This makes communication very hard and frustrating on all parts. Spouses have heartbreaking moments sometimes because their spouse honestly has no idea who they are (to be fair, in some cases, they do not recognize anyone, if the injury is in that part of the brain. In rare cases, their ability to differentiate faces from each other or from fruit might be gone).
9) There might be movements that are particularly difficult for a person that has had a stroke. For me, it is the pancake movement. Turning my wrist over with any sort of weight on it (like a spatula or cooking spoon) is very difficult for me. It has gotten easier, but I still have my days.
10) Just because someone has gotten help and was able to do stuff like walking up a short flight of stairs does not mean that this will be the case every day. Like anything else, every day is different, and some days, the person will have more pain or have more muscle-weakness than others. Be patient and understanding, please.
It took me 45 minutes to type a 3 sentence (probably 15 word) note to the law school office when I got home from the hospital after my stroke. Now, I can type a lot more, but I can not write more than about 2 sentences by hand even 4 years later.
Everyone is different, so please do not think that I am the only example (or even the best one).
When I remember some of the other little things, I will post again. Goodnight.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Will you stop the world and melt with me?
This afternoon, since there was not much else on, I watched Valley Girl again. As I am a product of LA in the 1980's, this movie resonated in an unexpected way. I have to say that as someone that has had to relearn most basic things, there are times when it does become overwhelming and truly emotional. Sometimes, it does become all too much, as I am sure that it does in the lives of everyone else, but with different triggers and for different reasons. For me, it is the reminder of what life once was, and the endless possibilities that are now gone or markedly different. It is the endless potential of youth, young love, and the promise of tomorrow that slap me in the face with just how much my life has changed. Having mid-life crises over and over again is just a part of my life now, even though I am only in my 30's. Thank goodness that I only have the ache of loss for my former life about once a season to twice a year.
At the end of the day, I do believe in the immortal words of Gloria Gaynor (1978), "I will survive."
For those of you with family member or friends that have had major life experiences like strokes, heart attacks, cancers, or other life-changing experiences (sometimes experiences like having a child), just be patient and offer hugs, not criticism. Love, not shame. It is like a pressure valve that just needs to be released sometimes, and once it is cried out, everything will be back to normal. If not, then professional help is just a phone call away.
At the end of the day, I do believe in the immortal words of Gloria Gaynor (1978), "I will survive."
For those of you with family member or friends that have had major life experiences like strokes, heart attacks, cancers, or other life-changing experiences (sometimes experiences like having a child), just be patient and offer hugs, not criticism. Love, not shame. It is like a pressure valve that just needs to be released sometimes, and once it is cried out, everything will be back to normal. If not, then professional help is just a phone call away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)